Inspire Positivity

In today’s digital world, we often talk about “logging out” as a way to manage personal conflicts—taking a step back, pausing, and disengaging to gain perspective. This approach works well for dealing with pesky marketing calls, scam calls, and unknown numbers; one can always reexamine these and respond only to those that seem genuine. However, when it comes to close family relationships and certain tricky  situations in work, “logging out” is rarely an option. Ties with family—especially with parents, siblings, spouses, or children—are more deeply rooted and persistent, requiring us to stay present and engaged even when things get tough. Unlike online interactions, where we can simply “log out” to create distance, family connections and responsibilities in work demand a careful balance between maintaining personal boundaries and staying involved.

For instance, trying to balance relationships between a spouse and a parent can feel like walking a tightrope and may often lead to stress. Some may withdraw into a shell, stopping communication with either side, which is akin to logging off. But this can’t usually be sustained for long; sooner or later, one side or the other may push for a response or demand support. In these situations, it becomes crucial to find ways to acknowledge and respond to the emotional outbursts, anger, and intense expressions from both sides without being overwhelmed. It’s like embodying the resilience of a hard rock caught between two millstones.

I first encountered an example of this approach during my time as an Associate Lecturer in Civil Engineering at Regional Engineering College, Kurukshetra. One day, a faculty member, feeling gravely wronged, approached the college principal during an open meeting, shouting and yelling. The experienced principal listened patiently; his expression neutral. Once the man had exhausted himself, the principal simply smiled and asked, “Anything else?” This light-hearted gesture broke the tension, and the room burst into laughter. While the issue remained unresolved at that moment, the principal’s calm diffused the immediate tension, deferring the problem for later.

In this blog, we will consider situations where “logging out” isn’t an option and explore effective ways to handle them constructively.

Why Logging Out Isn’t Feasible in Family Relationships

Family relationships are intricate, often shaped by years of shared experiences, collective memories, and interdependent responsibilities. Here, conflicts are not isolated events; they are part of a continuous, evolving journey that defines family dynamics. Walking away from disagreements may temporarily ease tension, but unresolved conflicts tend to resurface, often more forcefully. In a close family setting, leaving these issues unaddressed can lead to lasting emotional distance or a breakdown in trust.

Moreover, family dynamics are seldom linear. Today’s disagreement may be based on yesterday’s unresolved issue, and past grievances often have a way of creeping into present conversations. Thus, addressing family conflicts requires staying engaged even when it feels challenging.

Staying Present with Empathy and Self-Reflection

When logging out isn’t an option, the best approach is to stay present while cultivating empathy and self-reflection. Often, it is more important to preserve and protect relationships than to win an argument. In close family relationships, it’s easy to react defensively or to try to “win.” Instead, take a deep breath and remind yourself that both perspectives have value, and that understanding is more meaningful than winning. Empathy doesn’t mean accepting mistreatment; rather, it means trying to understand where the other person is coming from. A compassionate perspective can often defuse defensiveness on both sides and open the way for productive dialogue.

When our children were in school, a significant portion of my salary was spent on their education, uniforms, and other necessities, leaving very little for other essential purchases. Instead of responding defensively when my wife expressed concern about the budget, I asked her to list all the items we needed. Together, we reviewed each item, estimated a budget, and compared it with our available resources. This process made it clear that I acknowledged and understood her concerns, but that, given our current resources and priority expenses, only a few items could be addressed immediately. This approach of empathy, self-reflection, and transparency helped us foster a healthier family relationship.

A Situation in the Office

Sometimes, in the workplace, one might be confronted with a peculiar situation. I recall an episode when the Managing Director (MD) of my public-sector company unexpectedly called me one day and instructed me to arrange an interview for a particular candidate. My initial reaction was surprise, as this direct hiring method went against a company policy that the same MD had approved just a few months prior. That policy required any new recruitment to go through a written test, an interview, and a presentation. Recognizing that my MD might be under VIP pressure, I decided not to question his request directly. Instead, I devised a plan to protect both myself and the organization from potentially unsuitable hires.

With the MD’s approval, I formed a recruitment committee and invited the candidate for an interview. The interaction that followed was unexpectedly amusing, as demonstrated by the brief exchange below:

Interviewer: “Where are you currently working?”
Candidate: “Sir, with a railway track-laying company.”
Interviewer: “Can you explain the differences between the track laid for an ordinary train and that for a superfast train like the Rajdhani Express?”
Candidate: “Sir, no difference.”
Interviewer: “If that’s the case, why doesn’t the railway run all trains as fast as the Rajdhani Express?”
Candidate: “Sir, I don’t understand why the railways don’t do it!”
Interviewer: “Alright, let’s leave railways aside. Can you tell us about your favourite subject during your engineering studies so that we can assess your knowledge in that area?”
Candidate: “Sir, frankly, I don’t know anything!”

After hearing a series of similarly amusing answers, we documented the entire interview, recorded the questions and his responses, and included a final recommendation rejecting the candidate due to his poor performance. We sealed this report and sent it to the MD for a final decision. Shortly afterward, as expected, I received a phone call from the candidate’s parliamentarian uncle. I responded diplomatically: “Sir, it’s extremely kind of you to think of someone like me. We were only tasked with asking him questions and recording his answers, and we’ve already submitted everything to the MD for a decision.” Unsatisfied, he curtly replied, “You shouldn’t have done it,” and hung up.

A week later, the MD called me again, mentioning that I had put him in a difficult position and asked me to suggest a solution. I proposed assigning the candidate to a dormant project in Kohima, Nagaland, where we needed someone for basic watch-and-ward duties. We could offer him a temporary position as a graduate engineer there, easing him out once his uncle’s term in the Parliamentary Committee ended. We followed through with this plan, and by being reflective and transparent, we successfully shielded the organization from an unsuitable hire.

Communicate, Don’t Accumulate

Family conflicts often build up when issues are left unspoken. Rather than accumulating grievances, try to address conflicts in real-time, or at least as soon as possible, to prevent them from escalating. Instead of bottling up resentment, prioritize regular communication, maintaining a calm and composed tone. Share your feelings and experiences without assigning blame. For example, say, “I feel hurt when…” rather than “You always…” This gentle language reduces defensiveness and opens the door for a more meaningful conversation.

In our joint family, a typical power struggle emerged between my mother and my wife, each of whom had her version of events to share by the end of the day. To address this, I devised a unique method. I would first listen to my mother and let her vent her frustrations. Then my wife and I would go for a walk, with a rule that she could air her grievances until we reached a particular point—our so-called “Ninda Seema” or the limit of criticism. I’d often walk briskly, and my wife would slow me down with a “rapid-fire” list of her concerns. This approach allowed both sides to release their frustrations while I managed to keep the peace, acting as a steady anchor between the two.

In terms of communication within our family, I have always aimed for transparency and immediacy. Our children were generally good students, but there were times when their performance didn’t meet the benchmarks they’d set for themselves. In such instances, I would say, “You know, I’m not wealthy enough to provide seed money for a business, but I can give you the opportunity to excel in whichever field you choose to pursue. If you succeed, you’ll reap the rewards; if not, I won’t have any regrets, knowing I provided the support and encouragement needed for you to try.”

Boundaries that Protect, Not Disconnect

Boundaries are essential, even in the closest of relationships. However, boundaries in family relationships should protect personal space rather than create emotional walls. They should be respected yet flexible, setting clear limits on acceptable behaviour and communication to prevent conflicts from escalating while allowing both sides to feel valued and understood. When established thoughtfully, boundaries enhance relationships by preventing resentment.

I witnessed an excellent example of boundary-setting by one of our close relatives, whose foresight and mature thinking kept his married children and, later, his widowed wife together for several decades. His belief was that every woman desires her own kitchen and a separate household to manage. Therefore, shortly after each child’s marriage, he provided them with separate spaces to manage their own affairs, while the family gathered in the evenings and for celebrations. This approach nurtured healthy relationships, allowing the family to stay together under the same roof for two generations.

Having spent more than 40 years in a joint family setting, we understand the importance of boundaries—their porous nature as well as their potential risks. Boundaries mean respecting privacy while preserving the integrated character of the family. However, this requires thoughtful maturity from everyone involved. Among ourselves, we had a rule: no matter the provocation, we would never discuss family matters openly among relatives. This wasn’t a complete solution since we could only control our own conduct, not our parents’. Still, it helped us focus on our primary responsibility: the development of our children, who we believe benefited from this disciplined approach.

Similarly, we had another rule to avoid discussing family matters in the car or a parttime when our driver was present, or when a part time domestic help was in the house, which set a boundary on what to share and with whom.

When Compromise is Necessary but Not Enough

Sometimes compromise, often seen as the ultimate solution, may not be enough. In such cases, consider a deeper approach by revisiting the values that define the relationship. Focus on the foundational respect and love that binds the family together. When compromise falls short, take time to jointly discuss and explore these core values. Understanding that family bonds are not just agreements, but shared ideals can pave the way to stronger unity.

Practice Resilience Together

Conflicts in close relationships are inevitable, but resilience is what transforms these challenges into opportunities for growth. Practicing resilience means accepting conflict as a natural part of any journey. It involves building the patience and strength to endure uncomfortable situations and working collaboratively to resolve issues. Families who practice resilience together often emerge stronger and more united, as they learn to navigate the ups and downs of relationships.

Having lived in a joint family, we understand the value of resilience well. Each person is unique- parents may have expectations from their grown, independent, married children, and vice versa. Husbands and wives have different personalities, and even siblings raised by the same parents in the same environment develop differently. Resilience is about finding common ground that promotes a sense of family unity, helping each other while setting aside differences.

In a joint family, nurturing relationships takes priority over ego-driven responses when differences arise. These differences are best resolved through mindful, open discussions rather than emotional outbursts. Openness, honesty, and communication are essential for preserving strong, lasting relationships.

Just as in families, there are times in the workplace when we need to demonstrate collective resilience. I recall an episode from my career when I was suddenly assigned a development agency-aided project that was on the verge of cancellation. The issue stemmed from the previous project manager—my senior—who struggled to trust people from non-engineering disciplines. In a multidisciplinary environment, this hindered collaboration and led to missed deadlines for submitting reports.

I quickly assessed the situation and gathered the entire team, including seniors, juniors, and experts from other fields. Initially, my boss dismissed this as a “mela,” but I insisted and requested to try my approach. Together, we devised a ten-day plan to complete the analysis, write the report, and submit it within the next ten days. Luckily, we found an empty hall, and we all moved our desks there, working tirelessly to complete in 10 days what would typically take about four months.

The submission wasn’t flawless, but it was strong enough to prompt the client to reconsider and continue the project. Once again, collective resilience and teamwork made all the difference.

Moving Forward Without Logging Out

In the complex landscape of close relationships, whether in family or at work, “logging out” is seldom an option. Instead, navigating conflicts in these enduring bonds requires a blend of resilience, thoughtful boundaries, and effective communication. For family relationships, this means balancing empathy and self-reflection with healthy, flexible boundaries that honour each individual’s needs while reinforcing the collective unity of the family. By staying engaged, open, and respectful, we cultivate a supportive environment that promotes growth, understanding, and lasting connection.

When compromise alone is not sufficient, drawing on shared values becomes essential. These core values can remind us why these relationships matter and inspire us to approach conflicts with patience and humility. Practicing resilience together helps families and teams turn difficult situations into opportunities for deeper connection, as they support one another through life’s inevitable ups and downs.

Similarly, in a professional setting, collective resilience and teamwork can transform challenging situations into meaningful successes. By staying present and addressing issues constructively, we protect the integrity of our commitments and set a precedent for future collaboration. Moving forward, embracing resilience over “logging out” allows us to strengthen the bonds that sustain us, enriching both our personal and professional lives with respect, trust, and shared purpose.

In the end, while the option to disengage may be tempting, choosing to face conflicts with compassion and openness makes it possible to forge deeper, more enduring relationships—an achievement far more rewarding than simply walking away.