Many times, when I go through the writings and poetry penned by seniors, I sense dissatisfaction stemming from their grown-up children, particularly after marriage. They reflect that their children are not returning the love, affection, and care the parents feel they deserve. I understand that parents naturally have hopes for their children—hopes built from love, concern, and a desire for them to succeed in life while also taking care of their parents, an expectation deeply ingrained in traditional Indian culture. This was indeed the case in our predominantly agriculture-based society, where children, after growing up, took care of family assets and their aging parents. Parents found joy in being surrounded by their grandchildren and extended families.
However, with rapid urbanization, not only has there been a physical separation from children, but it has also led to a sense of alienation, particularly from married kids. Driven by the strong intrinsic tradition of close-knit extended families, many parents find it difficult to adjust to the new economic and social realities. This leads to feelings of frustration and a deeper sense of resentment or hurt. Sulking becomes a byproduct of these unfulfilled expectations, introducing negativity that clouds understanding, stifles communication, and breeds a cycle of discontent.
Yet, the wisdom of the Bhagavad Gita reminds us that our right lies only in action, not in the fruits of those actions. The often quoted but least understood and followed verse from the Bhagavad Gita (2.47) is reiterated below:
“कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन।
मा कर्मफलहेतुर्भूर्मा ते सङ्गोऽस्त्वकर्मणि॥”
– Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 2, Verse 47
This principle speaks volumes, especially in the context of relationships where expectations play a dominant role. Whether in professional endeavours or personal bonds, particularly between parents and children, unmet expectations are often the root of disappointment, sulking, and strained relationships.
Besides physical distancing, another reason for tension among some families is the micromanagement of their married daughter’s household by her parents, especially in families with only female children. While it is undoubtedly the societal duty of both daughters and sons-in-law to care for their aging parents, some women, taking advantage of legal protections available to them, may exert undue pressure on their husbands. In a society where expectations are deeply rooted, legal protections, while necessary, can sometimes lead to imbalances in family roles. This often leads to attempts to sideline or even drive out the husband’s parents, who are equally entitled to care and support under the law. As a result, the husband may feel like a helpless, trapped individual, caught between the demands of his in-laws and the pressures of his professional life. Only a few possess the emotional intelligence and maturity to navigate this situation, which tends to occur more frequently in families with only female children. Over time, this leads to silent disappointment, which festers into emotional distance, building walls between parent and child. At the root of this issue are expectations—not always spoken but always present—that fail to adapt as life circumstances change.
Yet one of my very busy doctor friends couple, I observed the exceptional maturity of both sets of parents, who managed to live under the same roof harmoniously. This obviously requires exceptional maturity on both sides. This type of situation can be new reality hitherto alien to North India in particular. But such examples, though rare show that it is possible to accommodate each other.
Thus, it seems possible if both sides acknowledge that with the changing dynamics of society, especially in urban setups, children are facing new challenges. Their roles are no longer limited to just familial care but are influenced by professional and social demands. The problems arise when this radical change goes unnoticed, and parents, holding onto traditional expectations, feel left behind. Perhaps, this calls for a recalibration of expectations—understanding that while love and care remain unchanged, the way they are expressed may differ. Further, such sensitive issues should be discussed and addressed transparently by both partners and the parents of both sides should be prepared to stay under the same roof should the situation demand so.
Reflections based on Bhagwat Geeta
The wisdom of the Bhagavad Gita extends beyond action; it teaches us to detach from the outcomes, especially in relationships. Parents may invest their time, energy, and love into their children, but the true essence of this teaching lies in understanding that once we perform our duty with love, the outcome—whether children reciprocate in the same way or not—should not bind us emotionally. In this process of detachment, peace can be found.
Encouraging Open Dialogue:
Open communication between parents and children of both sides can help bridge the gap created by unmet expectations. Rather than silently harbouring disappointment, expressing feelings honestly and with compassion can foster a deeper understanding on both sides. It’s through dialogue that parents and children can realign their relationships based on mutual respect, rather than on inherited traditions alone.
Conclusion:
As parents, shifting from expectation to acceptance is challenging but essential. The more we release the hold on how things “should” be, the more we allow relationships to flourish in their own unique way. The Bhagavad Gita reminds us that our peace lies in focusing on our actions and detaching from the outcomes. It is in this detachment that we find freedom from sulking, disappointment, and the bitterness that often follows unfulfilled dreams.
Inspire Positivity 